Dear Karen - Happy-ish Holidays

Dear Karen, I see you. It’s dark outside and no one is around, but I can see you.  You’re running.  What from?

It looks like you’re in pain, but you won’t stop.  Where does it hurt?  On the inside or the outside?

Both?

Running seven miles is no easy task at any point, never mind a few hours after Thanksgiving dinner.  But here you are, running in the dark, trying to make each stride count as punishment for every bite of food you ate.  Food you actually enjoyed eating while surrounded by family.  Family that cares and wouldn’t want to see you doing this.  But they don’t see you right now.  You won’t let them see you or have any idea what goes on when they aren’t around.

It’s not until you’re alone that the voice in your head comes back and the dangerous behaviors resurface.  Thinking about the day you just had with family…and food. It was a great day, but, you’re afraid you fucked up again.  You’re embarrassed and ashamed at yourself for feeling this way - fighting the urge to make it stop and end this repeating cycle.  The voice has a sly tone that seems a little bit louder tonight and it reminds you that it was right.  It still has control, not you.  In an effort to make it shut up, you lace up.  You head out the door to run away from it…the voice, the calories, the shame that you feel trapped inside of.

I see you Karen.  The voice may have won that night, but you are winning the long game.  You couldn’t see that then.  In the thick of it all.  You tried to cover up the emotional pain with physical pain.  Forcing yourself to make stride after stride despite the pain in your stomach, legs, and lungs.

It wasn’t your fault.

This was a painful run.  Maybe the worst ever.  The physical pain subsided but the emotional pain left a scar deep inside.  The scar isn’t as visible any more, especially not to the naked eye, but it’s a reminder of where you were that dark night and how far you’ve come.   

For those struggling with an eating disorder this time of year, please remember: 

You are not alone.  

It’s not your fault.

Deep down, you do have control.  

I see you.