Dear Karen - The Perfect Time
If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that the “perfect time” may not ever exist…or matter. Whether you’re waiting for the right time to start something, to say something, or to do something…our time is not guaranteed. I had something I was building up the courage to say last year on this day. Unexpectedly, I had somewhere more important to be. This resulted in a promise I made to a special person that I was going to help people overcome an illness that impacted my life back in my 20’s.
So here it goes…Sixteen years ago today, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. I went to the doctor and finally told someone what I was struggling with. The story after is somewhat upsetting, somewhat scary, and also somewhat uplifting. Uplifting because I recovered despite some really difficult roadblocks. I still am recovering, at least I tell myself that so I don’t take for granted the hard work it took to get here.
But at that one point, 16 years ago today, I saw it. I read it. There it was on paper. I was bulimic.
In retrospect, I really don’t know how my eating disorder developed. I thought to myself, “I couldn’t be a real bulimic because I didn’t binge.” In fact, my form of purging began with too much exercise. I’d try to offset every single thing I ate with some form of a workout. Punishment…for eating an apple. Then the disease would take over and the voice in my head would tell me I couldn’t even have an eating disorder the right way.
“Imposter syndrome” wasn’t around when I began my career in fitness and nutrition, but I was feeling it. I was a personal trainer at a high end gym but I didn’t feel I looked the part. I didn’t have 6-pack abs, I couldn’t run fast or far, so I felt like I chose the wrong career. Why would people want to train with someone who didn’t look like a fitness model?
The thing is…I knew the dangers. I did papers and gave presentations on eating disorders in college. I spent four years learning how the body works, and I understood how going to extremes could make you sick, or worse, kill you. I never in a million years thought I would fall victim to them. But I did. Somehow?
Eating disorders are a mental illness. And when you’re in it, it’s hard to know what’s real. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and weak. Last year, I started Dear Karen as a way to shed light on eating disorders, to help others learn that they aren’t alone, and to help myself continue to heal. It’s a series of letters to my younger self, saying that I see you now, and you will be ok.
I was nervous and terribly afraid to share my story. In fact, I still am. If you’re still reading - thank you. I hope to remove the stigma about eating disorders and mental illness all together. Because by knowing it’s ok to not be ok, and to ask for help, is truly remarkable and so freeing.
I have spent the last year sharing my story with people I trust. I’ve worked hard at mending relationships I lost and hurt when I was suffering. And to my surprise, each and every person I’ve told has said to me, “I wish I knew at the time so I could have helped you.”
I was not judged or criticized by anyone I shared my story with. And if there’s one message I could share with anyone going through an eating disorder right now, it’s to please talk to someone. “Help” may seem like a big task, so start with just talking to someone you trust. They may not know what to say. But they will listen.
If you need someone to start with, you can start with me. Or I’ve listed some help lines and websites below.
If you’re interested in reading the first three Dear Karen letters, you can check them out below. Thanks for reading, understanding, and letting me share my truth with hopes of a better future for anyone battling an eating disorder.
NEDA Helpline - www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Call - (800) 931-2237
Text - (800) 931-2237
Psychology Today - www.psychologytoday.com
Dear Karen - I see you (post #1)
Dear Karen - Happy Birthday (post #2)
Dear Karen - Happy-ish Holidays (post #3)